Let me be Colorful

Bi Polar Love Affair

2010-01-19T14:29:00.000-08:00

This should have been a love poem,
but most days I despise you.
Hate the way you say my name
like our skin is carbon paper
imprinting futures promised
as your fingers traced forever on my spine,
but I could never quite read you.
Waited patiently for watercolors
to wash through wasted skies
in hopes we could hear God inhaling
together at window sill
waiting for the new dawn to begin.
I can't stand you.
Hate the way we made love like
somehow the good in me would transfer to you
this osmosis of hope would seep
into your battle wounds
finally making you whole again,
but instead I inherited this quake in my lungs
shaking under blackened skies
where we used to hold stars in our fingertips
when they'd fall.
You hated the way I wanted to be held,
but plead with me to squeeze tighter.
praying mantis love, baby trust me.
I'm not like the other guys, baby love me
I get this fire in my lungs sometims, baby save me.
broken open moon crystals
pressing hope into chests
stardust kisses and barebellied laughs
young love warm hearts curved hips
bent backwards to be beneath you
hollowed myself like honeydew
hot summer tongues
quenched in watermelon kisses
cracked open heart like pomegranate
I hate you...
I hate you..

Baby, never let me go.
Love me like meteorshowers in daylight
love me like frost bite in summer time
love me like lightening bugs at Christmas
You used to watch thunderstorms from your window
I say fuck that
go stand in the middle of one
get your face wet
feel the crash of the thunder in your ribcage
hold yur fingers to the sky
catch lightening on your tongue
get your soul wet
pray for sunsets
do anything
just so you feel it
feel alive for one breath
do anything
make a move
speak nonsense
tiger lily lip crushed silence
feel the static in your chest
are we done yet?
I can't stand you
want to scrape the skin from my bones
to be rid of you
make the stars mine
hold your palms out
plant forever in them
love me galaxies
I fucking hate you
Love me timeless
Love me grandfather clocks
love me tree trunks
just love me
Sunshine makes your skin crawl
keep the day out
shut the shades tight
lay in bed all day
just let me love you
let me save you
I called to check in on you
You said you didn't feel well
you were going to take a nap
something in my stomach sunk
a bowling ball of intuition
I didn't believe you
50 pills later
a stomach full of charcoal
almost successful at something
woke up day after regretting the air in your lungs
the heaviness in your chest
hating me for loving you so selflessly
I hold a hope that is audible,
do you hear it?
a pounding in my chest
love me lifeless
love me hopeful
love me anything
love yourself more
I hate you
just love me lifetimes

Rooted

2010-01-19T14:20:00.000-08:00

Rooted
Weeping willow women
our branches are breaking
from the burden of this waiting
we crack knuckles like ice trays
our panic mimics heart failure
and how poetic it is to break this way
we hold hope in caverns where bones sleep
eyes weak heavy from the weight of water
we are standing in an ocean of oysters shucked of our pearls
we are waiting for the sand to creep in again
to create for you diamonds
because sometimes we are unpredictable
gypsies let us be your fortress
futures told in palm readings
we are hand holders
weeping willow women
stretch out your branches
we are tree trunk sturdy
clothed in this bark of betrayal
sometimes sitting silently in autumn mornings
makes us regret our roots
we are birthed in apologiesl
ike this barbed wire in our throats
we have wilted
we are waiting
for anything
to hold us open like water lilies
unfolding lightening
the way hands do
open to you
waiting
we are waiting for the static in our chests
to turn to butterflies again
waiting for the lightening bugs in bellies
to set souls on fire
waiting for our insides to not feel
like abandoned building
shearing the echoes of heartbeats in drum through our ribcages
we are not broken open
we are holding ourselves together
the way bark does
wrap your branches around you tightly wait for the storm to pass
my weeping willow women lift your heads up
caught in this torrential downpour daily
let the thunder be your voice
speak clearly with all your anger and abandon
drumming birthed beats breaking mountains
we are breaking moon chunks
to build rivers in veins again
shove your roots back into the earth
steady yourself and wait
We are the moon,
the tide, the sun that rises
we are givers, lovers, thinkers, mothers
we scrape the marrow from our bones
to give strength to others
and ask nothing in return
we return to the pasts that did not break us yet
we break, we heal
we hold oceans in our skin
grow forests from our limbs
we are dream catchers, wind dancers, creators
weeping women ripping branches
from our bodies planting willow in the earth
whole trees can grow from us
every time we break we give birth to ourselves
again and again and again
never the same always stronger the scars on our trunks
map out our pasts like tree rings
how long has it been
since the last time you broke?

empty nights

2009-04-22T19:47:00.000-07:00

how heavy an emptiness can weigh at times
night time mostly when shooting stars are screaming
through lost caverns in my chest
wanting arms to wrap round me
but vacancies exist more frequently
bathing me in a doubt
rooted in blackholes
where the skies are starless
and the aching still burns

Knuckles

2009-03-02T15:32:00.000-08:00

crushed leaves like bones slip through fingers
frigid and aching with arthritis
knotted knowing weather
rainstorms regret
empty knuckles
like knots in treebark
where limbs once hung

Plan B

2009-02-27T18:20:00.000-08:00

I want to be a mother
but not having a plan A resulted in plan B
and I am not ready but someday
I want my organs to shift
making room in my womb for miracles

the mourning of possibility
I awoke
tired, exhausted even
crusted eyes, achy knees
broken bones to ashes
this morning
I ended possibilty because I knew
I wasn't ready to be a mother
but an amazing one someday
hopefully, if God doesn't hold grudges.

horoscope

2009-01-29T16:03:00.000-08:00

My horoscope said that today would be a good day to write
it also said that I'd be coming into great financial fortune
so I'm pretty sure I should just quit my job and become a writer
full-time
and wait for these riches to bathe me with hope

Revolution of Her

2009-01-20T22:17:00.000-08:00

She rode this revolution like a whore
spreading her thighs wide to swallow the world whole
fist raised like she was protesting monogamy
while staring mary in the eyes
this was her revolution
a spiral of lust, sweat, beating hearts, pounding clit
she couldn't get close enough to coming
she went before he could hold her
as he told her "baby, you are amazing"
and she took that to mean her sex was worth having
but he was speaking straight from the heart
his manhood took her laid her out and shook her
but his heart wanted more
good conversation
he was content with masterbation
if only she didnt close the door behind her
he would have told her
"baby you are amazing and I mean it all encompassing,
your heart beats in berry sunshine rhythms of my mother,
warm, nurturing and I want to
smother you with tomorrow until the sun ceases to exist."
but she swallowed lies like semen
closing her eyes tight and believed in
the fate that she only existed in her dreams
she no longer dreamed in color it was always gray
and to this day she has trouble remembering
what a sunrise looks like because she has been face down for so long
gripping sheets in tattered fingers,
splitting her insides until she was hollow
like the moon before it disappears when the sun comes
and she thought it was part of the women's movement
to remove her heart from her chest
and simply rely on her breasts to take her places
she spread herself too thin
until every greeting would begin with an offer
she wore her miniskirts proudly
thong brandished like a metal of honor
because really that's the life she was offered
when she blossomed too soon
told stories of this revolution of her womb
so she began fighting for equality the only way she knew
riding men like tanks into warfare
gripping cocks like steel
unloading cum into her womb
as if she were trying to kill
her future freedom fighters with each shot
she wanted to fuck her way free
from the ties that bind her to the kitchen
the lies that she was fed and believed in
until she found the strength between her thighs
and realized too late that with each mate that mounted her
she would reach a fate mounting equivalents
of walking off a moutain to see if she could fly
her wings had been clipped
like broken pinky promises between soulmates
she never believed in a life mated
only checkmates and her stategy has always been flawed
A revolutionary she marked herself
A whore is how she was seen
waging war on a homeland
that would never quite be secure

***Trying for years to finish this... so the ending is a bit abrupt**

new hope

2009-01-20T13:53:00.000-08:00

Born from the ashes of our mother
we rise from the womb with wings ready for war
battling birth head on
please let us stay in the quiet
of our mother for moments more
unscathed by the cries billowing through breezes
echoing through barriers
carried from generations before us
just wait
allow us to soak in heartbeats murmuring messages of hope

2009-01-20T09:52:00.000-08:00

my heart has filled with hope

a hope that is audible

pounding this promise of change

reliving centuries creased in pages

put on shelves to be forgotten

today we remember

a history that has molded our nation

strong and bold like billowing flags and today

I am proud to own these stars and stripes

Music in my Blood

2009-01-19T17:00:00.000-08:00

For a minute I forgot where I came from
not the streets, or the hood, or a broken home
I came from love
from a love of two people expressing it endlessly
from a love of music that wafted through our home l
ike the smell of warm summer mornings
of my childhood hot pavement, cut grass, and lilac
It has always been more than home to me
it has been my haven and now no longer wrapped in that security
I long for the feeling of home again
In your arms you cradled me like my ears to the beat
encompassing the rhythms that made me tap my feet
to the echoes of yesterday through a speaker
We were raised on the words of James Taylor
and the melodies of Carol King,
The Wall of Pink Floyd
you gave us a ladder to climb over it
and see the horizon on the dark side of the moon.
Our home was never silent with mommy singing in the kitchen
off key but proudly kissing notes into the springs quiet breeze
she would sing stories written by others
my mother teaching us through song
that the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time
and it passed so quickly
fast forwarded through the heart ache
humming this stairway to heaven
where we were allowed to catch a glimpse
while riding the storm through the night
loud crashes and bright lights
it was our religion, no sunday mornings in church pues
we simply exchanged our faith in eachother
and my father with this same love of heartbeats
healing small hands with open hugs
he loved just as melodically
giving us hope in ourselves listening to Creedance
with a candle in the window because movement isn't negotiable
and change is gonna come whether we are ready or not
so we only get one more night
and somehow my parents figured out how to love just right
fully, unconditionally, without reservation
one nation under a grove and trust me our bodies move with rhythm
like heartbeats on warm summer mornings
beckoning for the birth of this melody
we made memories to soundtracks
playing out this past because baby what you want
is more than just respect and you will survive either way
and how sweet it is to be loved with every single breath you take
we learned to listen carefully to the secret message
played backwards in time on vinyl telling us to
stop, in the name of love
even if you still haven't found what you're looking for
you've gotta keep on movin on
cuz sittin in the morning sun watchin those ships roll in
isn't gonna take you higher
so even if you were born to walk alone
find the love of yourself
pledge it to everyone you meet on the street
because good days are around the bend
and we always see the sunshine through the rain

short piece

2008-06-26T20:07:00.000-07:00

cradling you in utero

saving your soul for rebirth

selfishly

city scapes

2008-06-26T19:32:00.000-07:00

Cracked skylines
city breaks
a pause to breathe you in
on street corners like smoke halos
it's almost religion

cracked pavement
breaks squeeling
prayers into cityscaped black drops
fading to morning
whispers of regret roll down pillowcases

cracked heartbeats
murmured motions
lingering to feel you inside
once more before exiting
like daybreak into mountains swallowed whole

cracked mirrors
and reflections scattered
like lovers across city blocks
pausing to breathe in morning
like cigarettes a rush to keep moving

Rest in Poetry

2008-06-26T18:12:00.000-07:00

I've been cradling your soul in my belly
walking around taller these days
because I have a piece of you with me
at peace somedays thinking this
and others still angry
still helpless and cold somedays
trying to sort through photographic memories
spelling bees and sleepovers
skateboards and I wake up tired these days
wanting laughter to cure me these days
wanting sunlight to quench me and the moon to breathe
these days I sit curled up with your soul in my stomach
wondering these days if I could be that helpless
and somedays I am
so tired of breathing that I hold breath
in my palms praying these days
for bullets to fall like raindrops
and the impact to strike like thunder
lighting up from under loose limbs
grasping throats these days
choking on moments like firecrackers in closed fists
exploding internally burning what was left
when help seems helpless and love is lost these days
wanting moments to pause and rewind these days
like butterflies in slow motion refusing to be caught
and i wake up quaking these nights when I remember
life can be breathless like stomach punches in gym class
holding hope in a paper bags these days
holding breath in broken hearts these days
heaving lungs with broken hope these days
and that night you gave up
like tomorrow wasnt enough to help you
and we werent enough to love you
and somedays its not enough to be loved
and there is always something lacking
these days when Im choking on the lies I tell myself
and the reality that sometimes we all sell ourselves
short of what we are destined for
the greatness trapped within webbed fingers
we keep crossed to break promises to ourselves when nights are lonely
and quiet chirping crickets try to soothe me
souls aching in cornfields these days crying to moonlight to make gravity
take a break for one night so my feet are weightless
and my shoulders are lightened from the weight Ive been carrying beneath ribcages
coughing on my own tongue these days trying to stop time with kisses
recreating your existence with the breath shared between strangers
and I just want fire to burn away the moon sometimes
making daylight last infinities because when the sun falls I feel lonely
and cant stand the sight of my own eyelids
recreating your end
fingers on triggers shooting destiny through barrels
like shooting stars in heaven
wanting to rewind and step back into your life before you took it
I want to float until hope no longer swallows my pain
more eager to end it these days
to be beyond the horizon of limits
and I cant stand to see sunsets anymore
because they are cold coiled up in mountains bellies
and your soul sits limitless in mine

Birthday Candles

2007-12-15T22:38:00.000-08:00

I've never been more alone than I feel right now
tossing pennies into arrid wells hoping for change
pulling eyelashes from lids to inspire movement
making birthdays last for months
so there are more moments to make wishes
and sometimes when the moon is still enough
I whisper prayers into silence
so something floats like thick fog to the heavens
and I am not even religious
just hopeful in that someone will hear me now
not later because in two breaths I could be gone
and my heart is growing weaker
with every beat left wraveled
every road untraveled
every song unsung like heros sons
wearing purple hearts of their travels
I just want to hold you
want to make wishes of forever with you
want nothing more than to break promises together
because our words are not always as strong as our hearts
want to pull apart distance and make you closer
tying ships to ports parting seas of past mistakes and transgressions
I want your impression to be painted into skylines
so I see you in my horizon
the sun could warm you when Im not there
and our sons and daughters with futures bright
and we will teach them to hold their breath through tunnels
dig roots deep until they are steady
like pasts that aren't ready to teach us yet
leaving mysteries to unveil when we are stronger
more able to love beyond the brick buildings we were born in
cold stones holding us back from exploding
because allowing us to love fully and without reserve
could end the world in its glory
causing clouds to break,
the sun to rip open and pour out the breath its been holding,
the tide would rise to cover earth with nurturing
and it would all be too much
so we chain butterflies to bumblebees
so the beauty is stifled before it grows
lord knows we can't allow it to be
to bloom like the flowers you make wishes on
and all I was wishing for was someone to compliment me
balancing my unsteady stride with a monogamous march
maticulously mastering my matter
and facts no longer matter
its the simply in your speech
from your heart beat to my ear drum
we make melodies of the unsung heros of heartwars
battling broken bones with kisses
broken dreams with wishes allowing us to be whole again
I want nothing more than to love you more than Id like to
so deep that when its over I'm no longer whole
not worth fixing up and moving on..
destroyed by what you've meant to me
want to feel it in the toes that will walk worlds with you
the fingers that will hold small hands with you
I want to feel you so strong that it's as though you were always there
etched into memories to make moments complete
and I have yet to meet you
but when it happens
the sun will start breathing again
and the moon would soon explode

money sucks

2007-07-01T20:28:00.000-07:00

I used to write because it was the only way to make sense out of life
but now I have a real job so I make dollars and all the cents I used to have has converted into debt so I'm money hungry and senseless accumulating uneccesary accessories to replace connections and emotions because all i have time for is work and really who has time for that shit? wasting every moment scheduling around schedules and when did time become so impossible to find? 24hours in a day and hundreds in a paycheck so there has to be some minute where I can enjoy the money Im making but instead Im making checks out to pay for this shit I enjoyed 4 years ago and never seem to get my head enough out of water to keep breathing now Im choking on these nickles and dimes with water up my nose and my toes are startin to cramp so treading much longer is out of the question so my only suggestion is to just let it go..

2007-02-14T11:45:00.000-08:00

I wish it would have snowed in the summertime burying my contentment to be frozen for ever after
now, with this cold it only solidifies my souls emptiness
frigid again
buried beneath billions of snowflakes
frostbitten with todays disappoinments
and all I wanted were your warm arms to carry me through the seasons
but they always change and so do expectations
falling like leaves burnt browns billowing like yesterday in the sun
fragrant with tears of our soldiers
salt stinging open pores with hearts pouring out "please make it home whole"
but it's an unlikely story
written by unlucky men
walking unholy ground to make it to heaven
with their hearts colder than todays snow
and they would rather carry shovels to make snow forts
than guns to make massacres of men
but now they make snow caskets
to bury our men in the sand
trying to balance out this weight they have been handed
when night is illuminated with bombs bursting
and bright skies blackened with thick smoke
they only have yesterday to soothe them
because tomorrow has been lost in the eclipse of hope
and I, I left with this hollow heart at home hear stories of lost love
mine never found and forgotten too soon
because like our soldiers
I was fighting bathed in blood of beating hearts ceasing
the rhythm lingering on the horizon waiting for the earth to exhale
all of the life it has stolen
and the heros walking on broken bones to stand proud again
but its too far removed to remember this rhythm
or reason of beating hearts frozen in sandstorms
but I, I lingering on moments where the mountains swallow the sun
I want to be reborn
nurtured in the womb of mother nature
to feel the earths pulse from within
and maybe, just maybe I could piece together these broken hearts
of frozen men hoping to make it home whole.

Distraction

2007-02-12T20:49:00.000-08:00

I have been searching for something solid
something so intense that it will distract me from this absense
this aching in every beat drummed from hollow coves
I ignore it
I've given up exploring it
because all I come up with is
shit isn't really all that bad
I'm just bored, undecided, dissatisfied, and maybe a little lonely
but it could always be worse
and it has been before
so maybe I should count my blessings
in the eyelashes that used to kiss me goodnight

2006-12-11T21:43:00.000-08:00

I am too sensitive for this world
I awoke after the mudslide
with wet soil caught in my throat
choking up roots
buried beneath rubble in the debris of 9/11
felt 3rd degree burns on my skin
dancing flames with three little girls
praying in church hues
skin colored of charcoal
I try to sleep soundly
but wake quaking wet
and heaving salt water
stinging my nose after the tidal rose
above sea level shaking hands with the horizon
I felt your sons cold hand on my shoulder
after he told her he was shot 33 times
mistaken
throwing black hands to heaven
white skin on brown land
and we never owned this
we've mowed it down
swastiskas burned into pupils
taught to bow to superior gods
man made
we're burning a Bush in the white house
chopping down trees and calling it christmas
parting seas with huge machines
dredging up pasts long forgotten
giving mother nature hydro colon treatments
because we cant stand to see dirt anymore
but our hands our not clean of this
no matter the revolution we are fighting
we are no where near perftect
whether poet or president
we speak louder in our silences
than in the words we spit into microphones
but we all have the power to make change
we just need to give out more than necessary
in order to get it
I can feel the breeze off the bayou
blowing across brazen skin
7 bullet holes in backs
trying to walk to higher land
we were marching toward holy land
mowed down by hummers sucking our mothers veins dry

The End

2006-11-30T21:26:00.000-08:00

I allowed you to take my hand
but I wish now I had never offered it
these moonless nights where I long for the sun to rise
because my eyes fear this darkness that has fallen
from a kiss placed gently upon my lips
I let you take me
to this place where our
breaths were in tune with heartbeats
this rythm in tune with the earth
rotating at 360 degrees backwards
replaying every sentence since birth
trying to decipher fiction from fact
to figure out if these past months
were just an act
or if somewhere in the midst of all this
you began to fall
you lept into my arms blindly
and seemingly wanting my offerings
but there was another
she had your commitment
your promise of forever
but somehow
you forgot to mention her
forgot how to respect her
disreguarded that you should protect her
instead spent late nights connected with another
me and as blindly as you lept I kept my eyes closed tighter
wanting to lose sight of this frightened little girl inside me
I held tight on the thought you could hurt me
and you did
so now I hold on white knuckled to the winter inside me
hoping to burn away the warmth you brought me
because your lack of honesty proved ruthless
could have given me truth but chose this
half hearted fucked up twisted version of this
world I thought you were letting me into
and since you I've wrapped myself in this skin you
have no idea how defenseless you made me
through embraced irises I was caving
sweet kisses I was craving
and you'd whisper sweetdreams while you played me
a lullaby of how it was you I was saving
we killed lonelieness together
I thought you could make me better
but bitterness has invaded and now I'm wondering
who will save me?

missing

2006-10-23T23:04:00.000-07:00

I miss my life. I miss being able to speak loudly about what it is that makes my heart murmur in messages that only I can hear, but I will gladly translate. I haven't had a thought provoking conversation in what seems to be a lightyear and this year has been too heavy for that. Weighted by wondering if it's worth it, if this lack of enthusiasm is just how adults get through it. I don't want to just get by. Every fucking breath should be laiden with an excitement that only comes from this perpetual feeling that forever just isn't long enough and that tomorrow isn't promised and that every single person in your life is worthy of the breath you exhale for them constantly.

I can't believe that I've spent late nights lulling myself to sleep with the sound of silence instead of soothing heartbeats that I was used to. I was once able to let people get close to me and it wasn't just presence it was this precipitation of my heart falling in front of them. Eager to share embraced irises, I used to be able to look people in the eyes. But now I try and focus on any other object to avoid this connection of optic impules because somehow contact between lenses sends me into submission and I am not ready to let my guard down.

This year I spent fleeing the country to exist in the last sunset before your departure, regreting not calling the day before because lord knows I had dialed your number into my phone, but never pressed send. I could have told you to slow down, to be more careful, to be anywhere but on that road at 7:27pm. I used to let you look into me. I had no hesitation in how long we'd share a glance and the chance that you knew exactly how you changed me, I can't guarantee. But before our hearts were speaking I hadn't a clue how to use mine. I figured it out with your assistance, took it out of the package and put it to good use. This is the life I got use to.

Since you, I had no trouble giving people every piece of me. I put it in words and spoke to crowds with open ears and eager hearts. I found poetry in people. I found my heart in syllables. I used to get stage fright before a performance and now can't imagine even holding a microphone because I would gladly scream to you the poem that has been pounding in my chest these lyrics of regret, of no longer being able to breathe deeply.

I can't finish a sentence without second guessing myself and it only took one person to confirm these questions and he does this consistanltly but never a straight answer so I've been living lopsided since we met. I miss knowing what is good for me beyond bad decisions I gladly take responsibility but lately there is no choice that seems appealing.

I don't know how to get it back to find the place where I am no longer lacking this confidence that had me assured that this life is what I made it and I was making the most of every beat, every breath, and every single sunset. I can't be upset at the people who don't get it. Who can't see the importance of being connected with me whether through iris or heart beat but hopefully they'll understand when our minds are no longer insync and their lives are lacking because I am someone everyone should know. And it doesn't matter if we go slow or full speed just know there is a need to be intwined with the warmth inside of me and this woman who is speaking is the woman I used to know.

sweetdreams

2006-10-17T09:49:00.000-07:00

I have been buried beneath the bedsheets of summer
enjoying the slumber of warm starlight nights
wrapped in the moons exhalations
I could have gotten lost in blankets of fall with you
but our ending came at the cusp of changing seasons
colder now frost instead of dew stopping once green fields from growing
and soon it will be snowing and winter somehow always brings less daylight
but our romance existed within moonlight so maybe the stars will see us again

Nervous the way first kisses ought to be
like falling. this feeling of forgetting why we should hold back
never letting another close enough to feel your heart's beat
murmuring messages of wanting anothers message to include you
Hesistant because it hurt the last time
Resistant because the simplicity
at which I approached you was overwhelming
I asked for nothing but moments
and somehow to you thought that meant
I wanted more than you were offering
but your lips pressed against mine
spoke to me in syllables making me falter
I was headed headstrong in my hearts navigation
and then suddenly caught up
in the way you'd whisper sweetdreams
before we'd put the converstaion on hold until morning
We speak in punctuation now only questions
exclaiming that we needed a pause,
but I was hoping for a run-on sentence
holding us accountable for every parathesis and undertone

This paragraph pertains to you
and I had hoped it would contain you
like a thought between commas
but my thoughts have been comatose
almost long enough that the inks fading
so in the future how will I know this story was written?
This tale of a dummy and I the vantriliquist
throwing my voice from my heart
hoping that it would get caught in your chest
so you could regurgetate my novel of knowing
that the moon no longer whispers sweetdreams
and morning is the beginning of this silent sentence.

AIM poetry

2006-10-15T22:35:00.000-07:00

OK so over AIM Michelle and I wrote this little piece of heaven..

Me: I would be willing to endure 1 million heartaches if in exchange i got 1 million glances that made me feel like I was the world to one person for a moment

Michelle: and in this moment they'd realize that their existence resides in my eyes past nuclear vessels souls use to erradicate the feelings we once shared in our prior matrimonial state

Me: this state of mind where my eyes once glued to your pupils opened portals to souls where interlocking fingers white knuckled with hopes of never letting go but your grip loosened

Michelle: and i slipped through all levels of hell into the fires of resistance so my love for you would cease with every skip of my heart i lose ounces of u in my system

Me: it wouldn't have been so hard if you hadn't promised your springs were pure I wouldn't have let you consume me so but now this poison drips from once kissed lips this is the art of letting go

Michelle: this is the start of letting go knowing that everything returns back to the beginning you still could have been one of those millions but eyes are deeper than souls and even contacts cannot block the intesity of your gaze you must

Me: start seeing that this cycle of disbelieving is holding you in a cell I couldn't tell you in words how I could fix you but I let my hearts beat murmur you a message of healing and the beginning is letting you know

Michelle: letting you know that i'm here standing with my back pressed to the strings of purity we've been harmonizing in dreams and swirling past gardens of uncertainity picking only the freshest mix of forever and now and package them in parcels of yesterday so we can remember the times we shared under the breath of mother nature

Me: shes been whispering sweet liliac lullabies taking baby breaths to not wake the longing in her head she's been wiping tears of tomorrow hoping that somehow we'll all see tomorrow this sorrow she's been hiding trying to not show us she's dying and all we are left with are flowers hand picked to present to this present day love perhaps gone by the morning

I'm All In

2006-10-15T19:59:00.000-07:00

24 years spent
like pocket change
selflessly given to everyone looking for a hand out
but I was ready to invest in you
currently my currency has flatlined
I have nothing left to give
bankrupt before my stock market could crash
I need to get out before I fall.

He asked if I had any spare change
this metamorphesis I've been dealing has left me
in a chrysalis equating cents (sense) for silence
there is no jingle left in my pocket
no two sense left to give.

It would be senseless to tell you how rich you could have been
if you would have allowed me to give you change
but you calculated too much and fucked up the math
so instead you're paying interest like a credit card purchase
the investment already tapped out
but you'll be paying long after the delivery was offered.

I didn't ask you to invest more than time with me
and I know that is a lot to ask when time is so precious
but like precious gems I thought I was worthy of these riches
I never asked you're exchange rate
just simply if there was interest
and you assured it was worth it
so I was all in at the table
tryin to keep my pokerface hidden
I wouldn't want you think this was a game

I had nothing but hearts in my hand
I tried to flush it out of my system
to fold before the stakes were too high
but before I could breath the bets were placed
and at the last second YOU folded

threw your cards on the table and walked away
leaving your pair of hearts defeated
before you had the chance to read me
you could have won my hand
but instead considered it wasn't worth raising the stakes for
now your mistake left me breathless and you broke.

A Potential Unmet

2006-10-15T15:52:00.000-07:00

We parted like lips of lovers too soon pulled away
leaving only longing and space between us
Goodbyes never filled our airwares
only the brighter side of departures shone through
we would meet up somewhere new and call it home
but the last time I heard from you
you were working for your uncle in the same small town you grew up in
when we spoke before this you had dreams
bigger than an astronaut wanting to kiss the moon
you wanted to swallow it whole like fruit to absorb every wonder it offered you
dreams fuller than galazxies sprinkled in heavens dew
stars filled your eyes when you spoke of all you could do
but that's all over now
I never kept record of the breath we shared
I kept it in beating pulses that brought beauty to slient moments
never awkward but awkwardly full
seeing that it had only been a short stay in atmospheres
where our arms connected
counting days on a calendar can not define the depth
of what your unfolded open heart's inner workings offered.
we would stand in silence just waiting
for the right moment to pass us
where our thoughts collided
like cars on curvy country roads bringing moments of tomorrow to a hault.
Head on we traveled
headstrong and heavy hearted
you broke from me like the clasp on a friendship necklce
and we hadn't spoke in years
yearly phonecalls around brithday never returned
yet every day my soul could feel whole for a minute
just thinking of converstaion and car rides
that left an unmistakable completeness the way you would feel after eating the moon
you wanted to have children and a home made of glass
so the beauty of the heavens could seep through your windows
caressing every inch of you
from ceiling to floor you had envisioned so much more
and convinced me I was worth this too
and it wasn't in what you said but how you would speak
and how your eyes would actually look into me
when they would meet for a moment
and if I would have known this was the last time I would see you
I would have hugged you tighter
so that your heart's beat would be ingrained in my chest
I would have held on longer
so that the love that will not die with you would have been stressed
and if I would have known that this goodbye would be our last
I would have written it in my blood to give you life after death.

Thoughts

2006-10-15T14:49:00.000-07:00

I was lookin through my book of thinking tonight... here's a few thoughts for ya.

I held the moon between my thumb and forefinger
so you could give it a kiss-
you always were the one to tell me to believe in my dreams
and the sandman smiled and told you to keep up the good work.

I caught the stars from your eyes
and replaced them to the heavens-
you weren't worthy of god's work

I woke up with sand on my pillow
time had been scattered about white cotton sheets
given to me if i was willing
to dust it off and collect it in a jar
behind glass the seconds would stream
into the desert below
just hoping to be counted

The sunset yesterday for the first time this year
sending silhouettes to the back of darkened eyelids
night had never seemed so black
water colors no longer splacshed the sky
smearing daylight to dusk with solemn sentiments
a new dawn was upon us
a day of silent awakenings on soft sheets
toes stretched with arms raised tangled in cotton
a new day
eyes widened in possibility
it's impossible to feel the sun on skin
because it has moved within you taking space
in your womb giving birth to mother nature
recreating her solstace
the warm air of summer in your lungs
breathing essence of lilac and dew
winter ojnly rests in memories
a magnitude of motionless snowfall
still tows linger in sheets
cold mornings with breath bursting
from icey lungs longing to smell of sunrise

Whitesnake!

2006-08-29T21:23:00.000-07:00

Alright... so Whitesnake is playin in the background.. now I know this isn't the coolest, most Hip-Hop head thing to be listenin to, but understand that variety keeps you balanced and 80's hairbands have a lot more to offer than just tightpants and aquanet.
SO if you aren't familiar with the tune, Here I Go Again.. maybe you should be because it's becoming my anthem. I never really labeled myself as the relationship type, in fact the whole idea of relying on someone else solely for your own happiness scares the shit out of me and makes me wanna throw up a little. I've always been the independent ever since I reached a point in my life where I realized that I relied on everyone else to take care of my happiness, my sanity and pretty much my well being. I gave it up and since then pretty much avoided retreating back to really NEEDING other people to take care of me. I can find contentment in a quiet room with just myself and my thoughts to soothe me, but lately I've found myself wanting more.
I let him in just a little bit. I grabbed a hold of his hand hoping that he wouldn't pull away because I was finally ready to let someone else guide me, to allow someone else the control and that was soooo freaking difficult for me. But it had to be done. And now.. well who the fuck knows and communication is non existent, and I don't know how to say it doesn't have to be serious, but I can't promise him he won't fall in love with me.
No person should ever have to convince someone else to be with them. I know past relationships and bullshit can make it more than difficult to open yourself up again to that possible pain, but jumping straight into a freezing cold pool is a lot easier than taking it one toe at a time... and I'm not asking to be made the girlfriend, to meet his family or even see his place... all I want is simply some time with him to figure out how strong the butterflies can really be and if it's really all worth these late nights wondering if I'm capable of allowing someone else to lead me. I'm ready to give up the control just a little... maybe for a minute.

The Closeness of Souls... A Distance Thing

2006-08-28T23:18:00.000-07:00

A conversation with a dude I haven't talked to in some time now brought me to thinking a little...
can physical distance between people create space between souls?
I'm not sure.
I can only hope that,
for love's sake,
being beside someone doesn't only reside in proximity
because the closeness of heartbeats
shouldn't determine the strength of the pulse
and if merely hearing their voice can make your stomach do somersaults
then you should be able to fall in love with the soundwaves
and vibrations of their vocal chords.

I've never done the long distance relationship thing,
but I have loved someone in heaven,
so maybe I can sympathize with the way
he's scared of the distance between heartbreats now
nervous that the foundation of emotions
is not strong enough to hold the weight of empty space between fingertips.

so I had to reassure him that love is an out of body experience
that the closeness of bodies can't measure the space between
a love that people look at and compare their own lives to.
Distance doesn't make the heart grow stronger
it can only validate the feelings
that you've already spent late nights and early mornings fixated on.
And there is no doubt that it will be difficult
but a love affair with the mind doesn't need skin on skin to confirm,
although a kiss can speak a thousand words, I'd rather hear it in heartbeats.

So, my friend, I say to you this...
let your heart beat loud enough
that she can hear it echoing through late nights studying,
let her voice make your stomach turn taradactles flapping to be free,
fall in love with the sound of her breath
and be thankful that together your lives are more perfect than apart.

2006-08-14T22:35:00.000-07:00

She's been working on a new project for nine months now
she's had the assignment since her womb became sturdy enough to hold life
My sister a mother to be made out of a woman who once was more a tom boy than my older brother
but she's been working on this new project and it's almost just about done
Her ribs shifted pelvis lifted to make room in her womb for this little life
stretch marks cover the globe of her belly mapping out each adventure and heartache to soon take its course setting sail in ambiotic fluids this arch carrying two beginnings to make one love and his name will be Noah
hands too small to hold onto a heart to new to hurt it's a beautiful thing to be unused, unabused, unknowing of what this world can do
sleeping sound for first dreams unable to hold a nightmare because his world has yet to build him one
These nine months of waiting, planning and debating whether the timing was right wondering if he'll sleep well at night praying his choices will be right and he hasn't even taken his first breath yet
hoping his first air filled lungs will be scented with lilac and promise and I vow to him this if you love with your heart wide open you will never be let down
and Im not saying you will never be hurt because these possibilities I cannot protect you from but I am merely saying that this feeling of needing other people to better your days should never cease and it's not being dependent it's just knowing that a smile shared between two is better than the silence of never hearing I love you

The Breath of a Kiss

2006-08-14T21:48:00.000-07:00

The stars exhaled tonight as they kissed the moon

there is something to be said about the breath shared in a kiss

no explanation or blame can come of this gravational pull of worlds bridging gaps with lips

like somehow the fire inside a star could spark the moon ablaze

changing the days light to be infinite so you could forever be illuminated in your eternal longing to shine

and I didnt mean to reference you as the moon

but you orbit around my thoughts in 24 hour cycles

eclipsing my day for a good portion right before the gray lifts and the sun wakes to see morning

It's funny how the moon changes daily in size

giving off whatever it can to light the skies

but loses its power as the days go by

so it gives away all it can before morning light

You are the moon's reflection- selfless

and I the stars eager to collect whatever you are willing to give me

and the breath shared in cosmic kisses turns darkened galaxies

to midsummers mornings

never a star in the sky because my

inferno of affection awakens the suns eyes too soon

I held onto night with two hands to keep you from leaving

we walked Orions belt until casseopia lit our lips to find eachother

weaving between constellations like continents

trying to keep feet on solid stardust

but the breath exchanged in our kiss made me leap for the moons embrace

once again

a night like tonight

where the stars were still breathing

2006-07-23T02:42:00.000-07:00

Waiting for this wanting to wander off
this needing has fallen in line like sheep to be counted
sleep deprived bound by bent elbows holding on
I have clasp closed fists around emptiness since bedtime
but I've been sleeping unable to dream for months now
and dreaming with no sleep somehow
doesn't count as a daydream
it's been manipulated into believing it's just a thought
so I've been thinking
I was born palms open to possibility of having something to clench
posable thumbs to mouth needing nourishment
sucking to be fed breath
now my arthritic fingers unable to close
there is this wanting of having something to hold on to
something worth shutting eye lids to make the days dreams
inhalations of angelic lungs
passed out in euphoria
letting the sheep run backwards away from crippling comas
but I haven't slept in days
and these nights terrors are empty hands
closed fists
unable to catch a dream

2006-06-25T19:19:00.000-07:00

It's been 329 days. 327 from the day I found out.

and I've been keeping count

327 nights wishing that the stars could exhale enough breath to bring you back.

Only 36 days until the sun(son) will have traveled it's full course completing this entire year of eyelash wishes hoping that your head rested comfortably on pillowcases of perfect mornings, that your feet were well traveled, and that your heart was full before that day -329 from now.

Digits, only numbers. No measurement of how I should have healed by now.

Impossible to recount the seconds with empty hands.

I've spend the last year hoping the sun could inhale and take me with you because forever now you've existed in the sunrise and set each day before that 329th and every single second after.

It was somewhere between infinity and fractions of feelings I can't connect with now. Knowing forever can't be calculated. There is no number to tag to the day you won't return and I can't comprehend any of this so I keep a tally of the days that go by and the nights where the stars are still breathing.

PSHT... I'd punch him if he were a woman!

2006-06-12T21:33:00.000-07:00

I seriously wanted to punch one of my supervisors in the forehead last week. I mean now I'm not a violent person but I was bout ready to hop through the phone and slap him in the face with my "attitude" until he was unconscious and I'm not a violent person. I don't generally give attitude towards people either, I mean unless of course if fits the situation but I suppose it definitely did in this case. So this pile of shit decided that he wanted to not be helpful at all this day at work when other staff decided not to show up and then decide to tell me I had to stay what turned out to be 3 hours later after my shift had ended.. mind you my shit ended at 11:00 pm and by the time I got him on the phone to tell him about the lack of staffing it was 11:30pm. Now I proceeded to tell him how his lack of planning when he knew the staff wasn't coming in was not my problem nor was it my problem that the staff that was coming in to cover the night shift for another unit hadn't shown up yet either.. now this ass with lips decides to tell me I need to sit and wait it out until she gets there.. well guess what.... he deserved that attitude I handed to him. I normally don't speak to my "superiors" in any disrespect but this giant dildo really needed some sense spat at him so I told him where to shove it and that I was leaving when I hung up the phone.. he told me not to cop an attitude and then said "ya know what Shara, goodnight and goodbye" like it somehow hurt my feelings that I got to go home like I had planned... man fuck people and their wanna be difficult bullshit.. how bout people just do the job they signed up for and then there wouldnt be so much damn CRAP... psht.. needless to say I just got done pounding out a bunch of resumes for RD jobs.. let's keep those fingers crossed.. I'll miss working with the girls who live there but YO.. they don't have their shit together by any means in the upper management areas.. so BUMP THAT!

Letters from an Angel

2006-06-12T01:42:00.000-07:00

I wish I could write a letter to heaven
I would seal my heart in an envelop so it could pump out a morse code

of emotion that only angels could translate
the beat would beat decibles of december's breath into holy waters making the tide part way to a change in the flow of life
a rebirth of a first coming beginning with heavenly bodies arching and quaking being takin before memories of mistakes make marks on minds
there would be no regret just an assurance that all measures were made sure of and we'd all start as angels so that feeling of first waking in the morning to another lonely day would never be met
we would know of nothing but cloud tops and man made mistakes
infalliable to infraction there would be no objection to dry cleaning our wings before we took them into the sun because the span of our existence only began the moment we became and

grass stains are a bitch to get rid of
laying on our backs looking down at a world that

would soon forget we exist
wrapped up in their Gucci bag full of tricks where

women have been made the bitch but still make the bed in the morning it's become in to put out before the flower has blossomed

to spread your seed so soon

it hasn't had the chance to become settled in the stamen

and stopping to smell the roses has become a

back seat fornication of our future
this revolution of our youth to become hard headed, gun totin, rock slingin, dough blowin, gang bangers

has got us wonderin if we should hide a 9 under our wing

incase shit gets rough while we're pickin up our dead from the streets
we used to get stuck behind bars of a song now it's a long sentence caged and the only sound is the beat within your own chest

tappin out that code thats been tellin you all along

your heart is not your own it's been owned by God this whole time

but we've left out faith in a building instead of in our children

hoping that he can undo your errors

so the pressure is off of your own self control
but you've spent to point that your dollar signs

have replaced your crucifix

and you're quick fix to a bad day is to buy a bag of weed and a new CD

of the same shit that's been deficated on microphones and airwaves before the day before yesterday

you've been nodding your head in agreement this whole time

to a rhyme where the only sense it makes is that it makes cents

rolled up and cashed in daily to this market of asstappin money hounds pissin down the throats of those

who keep their eyes locked on the next booty they'll be knockin on

too glazed over to feel the sun piercing irises

trying to turn a cold world warmer

wondering if another week of rain can finally give life to these roots that began after we came from heaven and

I've been writing letters to myself this whole time

Rambling

2006-03-22T22:42:00.000-08:00

I don't write love poems because I've never really been IN... we'll maybe that's not true

My heart used to beat slower around you
it wasn't the typical heart racing, can't catch my breath kinda love
it was as though, with you near, my heart would pump more productively
like somehow just the presence of your palpatations made present problems precipitate into
puddles dried by your breadth and the pounding of hearts in syncronized successions made my blood type raise from A negtive to being positively in love with the way we'd breath
together in unison the sound of silence soothed already aching souls like words couldn't come close to mimicking this absense we needn't anything to fill the space between what our minds made motion to and what or bodies left motionless and I didnt need to express it in words because your emotions were written in braile on your skin painting out a portrait of paradise

Shells of War

2006-03-22T22:27:00.000-08:00

For two people I love very much :

A 4 year old fell asleep on my lap last night
this 4 year old who 4 years ago wasn't even promised a life
but it was negotiated for him
now has a father whose life wasn't guaranteed either
sent away to war never returning home again to see him
see his body was returned but it pumps isicles through bloodstreams now
cold is his vision now
hard is his soul now
and he keeps the flag that he fought for in a chest
his chest heaves in distorted fantasies and breadth now
he offers no solace to anyone now
this empty cavity had a wife
a mother to this 4 year old who was told that everything would work out alright
and on the day he came home from Iraq she welcomed her husband back
to their new home and offered him riches that no work could sew
but a family and life with warmth and love
See they've sent away our fathers our sons and lovers
and return them when they are used up and broken
seen one too many explosions
killed one too many innocent men
cradled one too many lifeless friends
and all we are left with are shells of heros
who chose to get a free college education to avoid future struggles
who were promised job security and benefits for their families
but our government neglected to mention that war was on the horizon
that death is a fatal nemesis who doesn't profile its' victims
they've strapped weapons to their backs and told them to bring back the opposition
dead not alive shoot twice and don't look back
these are not people here
but our soldiers saw hope in Iraqi eyes
men and women with families and lives just as precious as yours and mine
but they still pulled triggers
still followed orders
writing letters home because they can't understand what they've been fighting for
now or troops hang head low in shame
they've shot bullets like it were a video game
desensitized to avoid the pain
but now home agian
flashes of fire and truth constrict and restrict them
they've killed our heros and brought back blank men
who abandon wives and children
who no longer know how to live in civilization
two weeks to debrief is what the military calls for
two weeks cannot cure them of blood splattered memories
or convince them that killing in the name of any country is all right
and now this little boy wakes up crying at night because he doesn't know that his daddy
came back
back last Christmas he was told stories of a hero
a man who was doing more for a world than we could do
A MAN who was honorable
but now, now he cries when he sees him, doesn't recognize when he sees him
this man once whole holding the whole world in his palm depleted hope in rounds of rapid fire as we all slept sound not knowing what was to come

more of this later

2006-03-22T21:37:00.000-08:00

I've been going tanning lately to be closer to your sunrise..
I miss the way my skin felt alive when you'd radiate beside me
and now I turn to UV rays from lightbulbs to be connected with your warmth
when did it get so cold to make me turn to electricity to soothe me?

2006-03-19T13:31:00.000-08:00

"If your smile were the sunshine I'd want to be sunkissed all year round"

I can't think of a better way I could have spent my recovery... it's funny when people ask me what I've been up to cuz I never know what to tell them. I just spent the last twelve weeks healing and the two before there petrified that my life would never be the same.. now, well now is another story because my life was not put on hold during this whole thing.. surprisingly beyond surgery, stitches, physical therapy, the pain, the relief-- I've been living this shit to the fullest and I couldn't have asked for more. I go back to work on wednesday and it scares the hell out of me because again my days are going to be filled with routine- I can't stand repetition.. this over emphasized existence of left right left right left right back and forth working my heart away day to day just wishin for a moment for more self for myself for more of myself but I guess we can't have it all so I'm gonna wrap up the moments of beautiful elation that have been given to me these months and I'm takin em all with me back to the real world so every now and then I can sit and just think of all these beyond phenomenal moments.. heres a few to trigger the memory

hospital gowns and none of the original pain
bein able to sleep through the night again
pop rocks by the river
poetry with people who consistently make my heart beat
my other half comin back to this half of the US-- KOOLAID
breathing
seein the sunset on his stone
dancin in basements with white sheets and phenomenal women and men
Black Oak
my niece and nephew
moments makin memories almost as good as minutes witnessing miracles
my family who put up with all the bullshit
the woman who tells me to make sure I'm takin care of mE
realizin where my heart is and where it can go
revisiting a lost soul
smiling to the point my teeth thought my lips took off
being able to enjoy my friends and family and to be a part of their lives and them really being there in mine.. it's hard when your job becomes your everyday... just gotta remember to take a breather and sometimes there is a time to be selfish.. just gotta do ME by lovin all of you. thank you

lil sumpin

2006-03-13T22:30:00.000-08:00

I want to paint tomorrow with your eyelashes on my skin scattering pictures of forever with your lips above navels lost in an abyss making waterfalls drip from your temples
We could teach God a lesson in love making he has made us both with love and now we've recreated the first coming

2006-03-09T21:24:00.000-08:00

OH MY EFFING GOD!!!!!! so this isn't going to be poetic, it's probably not even going to make sense but damnit I'm just gotta get a little rant goin for a minute and it's gonna start like this

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!! Mary and Joe I swear to god shit has me tight lately andI dont know if it's just because I have hormones or because I don't think other people should or maybe it's just because I'm unsettled in my life right now but that's not even it because hello these past couple months not having to go to work have been fantastic and I've healed pretty darn well... so back to the subject
Just because a dude looks at you, speaks to you, breathes in your direction, or even humps your leg a little bit does not mean he is ready to settle down his hornball ways and fall head over heals for you and if you think that I think that he is ready to do that for me than you are obviously still fuckin drunk.. I mean seriously it annoys the hell out of me as soon as you mention that you've some how managed to share space with someone who has a penis it's automatically meant to be.. jesus christ people do I like fuckin desperate? NEGATIVE! ok so maybe that's all that should be said about that but there's more

I've never been a blogger because somehow I thought that it was a bit lame to share my feelings and emotions about ya know this and that with a bunch of cyber friends who are all connected by their love of being connected but maybe this will shut some people up... I AM NOT AN ARGUER.. I just can't do it. .I will have a point and I know that I could make it but why waste my breadth when I know that your mind is already made about me or the situation at hand. I just can't do it. If I know I am wrong and see what the problem was.. sure I will apologize but I'll be damned if Im gonna sit there like a fuckin school girl and try and argue it out for a fuckin hour.. now I can IM argue for about 3 days straight because well it gives me time to be quick witted and whatnot but verbal arguements are not my forte my friends.. so if you ever want to feel like you are right and there is no other way about the world.. have a verbal arguement with me becuase I WILL LET YOU WIN and I will love every minute of it because it my own little mind I know that you needed to hear yourself speak... and now that that's taken care of have a fantastic evening I wish you ALL the magic this little blue and green planet has to offer except well the blue is a little brown and the green is a bit crispy but whatever.. enjoy it all.. a freakin men

your blue eyes

2006-03-08T18:47:00.000-08:00

There's something about ending this and I just can't do it so this is how it's gettin told... for now... My heart - exposed

I haven't been able to write since last year and I think it's because my heart just can't handle it. What if I just said all the things unsaid?? What would really happen if instead of bricks I gave you soul? I don't think my heart could bare the weight of really being bare beyond flesh throwing away all it is that barricades me from pulling back these ribcages and exposing this raw beating blossom only a bud because it has been malnourished behind barriers. My heart- exposed. If I could tell you all the things buried beneath embellished beauty it would sound a little something like this:

Sometimes its easier to think yourself unlovable than to put yourself out there to be loved. Exuding confidence and befriending those of interest keeps an armslength between comrade and completion. Completely terrified of giving up control to someone who could misuse it- best of intentions to begin with but who knows the expiration date on interest and investing emotions that deep could crush you when it finally is determined a bad decision because some of the strongest connections have been broken with incoming affections infected by loves arrow too soon so I avoid eye contact so my soul is never in question. Its been broken down by a selection but always kept to perfection in the on-lookers view. Never broken but this heart has been bruised.

It happened one day like shards of glass reflecting heaven in my heavy heart bringing warmth to every part from frozen fingertips to bricks encrusted with ice chips it was as though he single heartedly began to melt me he had the ability to burn away the frostbite beneath the barricade took my heart in his fingertips and began to massage the mound a miracle as it began to pound appreciation of daylight- the depletion of frostbite- the completion of his right in my left- handed to me was this blue eyed, whole hearted, hair a mess, message of what it was to be alive he radiated when he smiled took minutes at a time to look me in the eyes when we spoke speaking around times hands and they always moved too quickly he knew what it meant to laugh and he did it so well pulling his lips from his teeth unwrapping contentment inside me every morning waking to find the day anew with anticipation of his world in my view and our galaxies collided causing intergalactic love affairs handing over hearts as peace offerings waving white flags of surrender and I remember it all like it were yesterday he was my connection between comrade and completion and I was no longer terrified.

he was the first to really get it the first to look at a sunset and see the indigo sea making love to magenta mountains giving birth to the tangerine tide he knew heartache and believed it could be fixed never gave up faith in friendships that had gone a stray took time to hear my tongue shape vowels and consonants creating conversation that centered around something more than material we spoke in loves tongues sometimes just letting breadth from our lungs speak worlds to each other we made memories like parachutes always giving us pull when opened cushioning the fall when wed land I never planned on loosing touch I had it written in brain waves the day of the month to make that call but maybe that wasn’t enough because three years down the line and I’ve come to find no matter the effort I make these days it will never be the same he single heartedly melted me and this summer I buried my heart beside him because it had always been safe there before and I know that he can hear me now and I need to tell him how he made my soul complete pulled my heart from my ribcage held it close to his heat thawing the muscle it began to beat thump thump beat thump thump beat he brought me back to life he was the one to make it right he was the one to make me write took my words and gave me breath pulled my heart from within my chest told me love would never rest and I’ve been restless ever since

2006-03-06T13:56:00.000-08:00

Today, I gave two dollars to a man who was standing by the highway with a sign asking for handouts. I had three in my wallet, but only gave him two... and I wonder why? I mean there was a thought process behind it thinkin well what if I just need that dollar for something, but HELLO I have a home and a car to get there with but either way I kept that dollar... so I told him to take care of himself then I drove away. My mind kept doing laps around what had just happened though and I was thinking of all the possible scenarios as to why he is standing there looking for the kindness of others to help him survive and wondering how this happened to him.. how I could be any different?.. and then the whatifs.. what if I just gave two dollars to a man who was a rapist or murderer or just not a good human being but he is in fact a human being and it's not my judgement he needs to endure... It was seriously an emotional struggling continuing to my home.. he had blue eyes glazed with frost and a lost hope. they looked like honest eyes and I guess it's always a leap of faith when you offer to help another person because the truth is he's a person and his past is his own.. we all screw up, some more than others but I'd like to think that I gave two dollars to a man who needed a little sunshine and maybe a cup of coffee or even a beer because if he's sippin on spirits at least it's bringing him closer to God somehow and maybe it'll keep him a bit warmer through the chill

For Eden

2006-02-28T22:31:00.000-08:00

I remember my first crush
he was 5 foot 4 with feet fitted in black reeboks
with the pump
he had a braid that hung between his shoulder blades
that seemed to sprout from the back of his neck
because the rest of his hair was short
We'd walk home from the bus stop together
and the paved path proved to be laced with angel's wings
because those 7 1/2 minutes before we got to his house
would make my shaky palms sweat
and my stomach twitch to almost the same sensation that sent kids home from school sick
He was the kind of kid who would save you that seat on the busride
in the morning
the one in the back where bumps would bounce you airborn
and he had my heart
wrapped in teenage mutant ninja turtles
we couldnt afford action figures
so we made the action ourselves
He taught me profoundly like how girls have a vagina
and boys have muscles
but he also got my mouth washed out with Ivory soap
for teaching me profanity
who knew "fuck" was a word only for adults?
He would beat box and do the robot
he has a skateboard when it was hip-hop
we used to trade garbage pale kids collector cards
and climb across the top of the monkey bars
just to prove we were above everyone else
it was that kind of love that would wait up for me when riding out huffies
round town with the queen of hearts in the spokes to make that fitfitfit sound
I would save him the last bit of my lime green freeze pop
because it his favorite part was the juice at the bottom
It was mine too, but love is selfless
It was that kind of love before you've been hurt
so you know your feelings are real
and you give without expectation
and you live without reservation
you didn't need to hold back
because you had no idea what pain felt like
at 9 years old I loved better than I do now
because there was nothing to compare it to
except riding our backs down a hill so fast with no hands or feet
hearing the whistle of the wind rush over our ears
stretching our arms out and getting a green ligh at the bottom
so we could just keep going

Spring is Solid

2006-02-28T22:20:00.000-08:00

Winter just wasn't my season and I'm hoping that soon I'll see life again
Everything has been dead
My heart no longer beats as fast
maybe two beats a breadth and sometimes I'm holding it
waiting for the world to unthaw
bring blood to my veins
and warmth to my core
I miss the smell of cotton sheets drying on the line
the way the road smells after the rain.. kind of like asphalt and worms
the cool green grass creeping between toes
and always having a flower to wish on
inhaling as much warm breeze to blow the pieces apart from the stem
what are the names of those flowers again? I just call them wishes
and this is no longer a poem
not that it ever was one
it's a pleasant pleading with mother nature to open her arms to sunlight again
to embrace the blessing of springtime
giving life to love time
why does the winter always make me feel unloved?
the snows heavy coat clogs my throat from breathing icicles into my esophogus
and I wonder if she'll listen
Mother I'm begging
bring me scents of springtime wrapped in blankets of summer
cusping on warm and hot nights where blankets are not needed
and fans run up your electricity bill
I'm tired of being cold

Kindegarten

2006-02-28T21:36:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid entering kindergarten I refused to get on the school bus the first day of school. My morning began with my mother dragging me kicking and screaming into the principals office where she shut the door as she exited. I saw my mother's back for the first time I remember and I think since then I've had a real problem with people leaving me. Maybe it's true, it's all about what happens in your childhood that determines your personality and the decisions you make when you get older.
Sometimes I cry myself to swollen eyelids and heaving chests
because I know one day it will be just me,
alone with fingers intwined like knots on tree trunks
Sometimes I can really picture what it will be like
this portait behind glass of a life I once lived
And it's all about growing up and moving on
but my feet are tired now whitered as watercolors wash over
restless raindrops wiping away a vision
me 65 76 89 years old and alone because I once saw my mothers back turn
and I can't blame her she needed me to learn
and her back has been strong through the years
thick skinned like the bark nestling my tree trunk fingers

green leaves

2006-02-28T08:43:00.000-08:00

I have to admit, I read E's blog today and it got me thinkin as I was sittin here rewriting my resume and lookin for places to apply and I realize only one is in NY. I've spent years trying to nurture these roots thinking that it was the only way for my buds to blossom I wanted to grow this tree with arms reaching out every which way, but as the days go on and the exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide is less and less between me and my branches it only leaves me wondering when Im going to have to cut it down. Sometimes its stifling like unable to breath stifling like holding my breath hoping not to say the wrong thing or catch them on a bad day. And I wasnt always an angel and I dont think they believe in heaven so that was never a concern.. I am the youngest of three the one that gave them the most trouble and sleepless nights.. the one that drove my mother to hating her daughter.. the one who wants to leave and feels guilty but its not as bad as it all sounds.. maybe I'm just more needy or maybe Im just 24 and need to need something different but I cant for the life of me figure out how not to feel guilty about wanting to see more. My family these roots that dug deep in the earth to keep me from toppling over soooo many times and maybe it has nothing to do with them and Im just being selfish... 24 and Im worried about what my mom will say and how my dad will look at me and sigh the way he does when he's disappointed in me. Ive sunk my roots into their veins just hoping to be embedded in them I think it's time for a transplant to new soil.

Shades of Blissful Ignorance

2006-01-31T14:03:00.000-08:00

So I was listening to Daddy Yankee today and I realized something pretty profound... this is why I love Reggaton- because unlike the other bullshit they have been playin on the radio I can't tell specifically while listenin whether or not I should throw up. The crap about shakin my laughy taffy or my salt shaker or any other phrase they can think of for pieces I don't want people starin at, or havin someon whisper to me- so be it the beats are tight- but do I really wanna move it to someone who's tellin me they're gonna and I quote "beat that pussy up"?!!! Not so much.. so I find that in this case ingnorance is blissful... I don't speak fluent spanish.. I dont even really speak spanish not so fluently so when a ridiculous beat starts pumpin and I can't at that moment decipher what is being said to me.. it allows me to enjoy it just a bit more- is that so wrong? I can think of so many reasons why it is-- I mean who knows it could simply be the spanish way to beat it up BUT it sounds much sexier when its comin from a latin man's mouth! Maybe I should enroll myself in some spanish classes?!

Not yet sunset

2006-01-30T20:25:00.000-08:00

It's not yet sunset and I've found myself traveling backwards lately. Maybe it's necessary to really be able to focus on what's to come. It seems I have left these places behind me but have kept them in the palm of my hand so my arm is flailing behind me hoping to regrasp what it is that made me so incredibly happy during those times. I've figured out what element is always present in my happiness and it's not money or the stuff or the place- it's the people. I've always been one to form bonds with people pretty easily. I'm thankful that the few places I've gone in my life so far have left me with amazing memories, but is that enough to live on? I graduated this past May from New Paltz where I found a family that I absolutely adore and they came to me in every form possible- some poets, some preachers, some badasses, some incredibly sweet but all very true to who they are and there need for human contact.
Not too long ago I took a trip through the area I used to go to school.. my first college.. my little highschool that was small enough to never get lost and big enough to hold my heart. The people I met there will forever be kept and I wonder how it all happened. A few classes here and there, lunch outside next to the sack circle, takin rides with phenomenal people to the falls listenin to Biggie and Sublime and just enjoying eachothers company. And it's funny how much you realize the impact when those elements are taken away. And it's sad to think that it takes losing someone you love to really want to be able to tell everyone how much they mean to you... I'm sure if you mean anything to me you've felt it, but maybe not... maybe I should just take the time out to make those phonecalls that go undialed, to really try and keep those connections that have gone out of service?? Who knows... maybe it's all just because I went back to New Paltz a saw a few people I used to be close with, definitely didn't see all of them but those I shared a few breaths with, a few laughs.. well it made me realize a few things.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is... if you're surrounded by people who make you feel your true worth, hold onto them because there are people just waiting to demean you and make you feel worthless. It's not about the number of breaths you take- it's about the moments that take your breath away and those people who leave you breathless.

Sunrise

2006-01-27T11:18:00.000-08:00

She’s always been one to see the rainbow after the storm. She sees sunrise in the love he’s tattooed beneath her right eye feels the warmth of his soul rising over her left shoulder smeared with azure and lavender hues eclipsing her left breast and she stays because his love is like the sunrise. The beginning of something new she has never felt before. The rays of his affection color her body from head to toe inside and out she has never felt a feeling so deep for another human being and he promised it wouldn’t happen again. But she loved him and stayed still to please him never standing tall beside him to avoid him feeling small inside her she kept her lips pressed pleasantly in passion pink lipstick his favorite and the sunset every evening.

The mornings fragrant with hazelnut and caffeine clean cotton and listerine she approaches every day anew bridging gaps of perfection she bought a picket fence last summer because somehow she thought the white accented the moon and as evening falls she sits silently admiring the sunrise painted upon her skin tomorrow she’ll try not to make him mad again and with every inhale she brings the moon closer to her because in darkness he is still sleeping in clean cotton passing out in fumes of frustration and failure he still sleeps sound and she mimics the moons motions wanting to draw out the darkness because in daytime all she sees is this rainbow of reasons why she should leave him she wishes she were stronger but she can’t make herself move stuck in this cycle of promise and passion never feeling beautiful before him he hasn’t always been this cold but she has always been the one to see the rainbow after the storm to notice the beautiful beckoning of the lightning during rainfall the sound of thunder soothes her because in silence she has a moment to sort through the reasons she should leave.

She keeps a suitcase hidden in the closet packed with her belongings to be prepared for the next time he brings morning to her pale skin opening the door every evening thinking today was just a bad day and tomorrow he’ll keep his word. He hasn’t struck the kids yet and maybe it’s just her she tends to ask too many questions ask for too much affection dreamt often of perfection and married the first man that told her she was beautiful. She was in love with his intensity he was always the life of the party he’d put his hand of the small of her back parading her around like beauty embellished by his broad shoulders, she looked better beside him he used to make her smile and sometimes he still does so she can appreciate this kaleidoscopic of colors doesn’t need a reminder of how she could do better because she’s always been one to see the rainbow after the storm to see sunrise in her scars and he still calls her beautiful.