green leaves

I have to admit, I read E's blog today and it got me thinkin as I was sittin here rewriting my resume and lookin for places to apply and I realize only one is in NY. I've spent years trying to nurture these roots thinking that it was the only way for my buds to blossom I wanted to grow this tree with arms reaching out every which way, but as the days go on and the exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide is less and less between me and my branches it only leaves me wondering when Im going to have to cut it down. Sometimes its stifling like unable to breath stifling like holding my breath hoping not to say the wrong thing or catch them on a bad day. And I wasnt always an angel and I dont think they believe in heaven so that was never a concern.. I am the youngest of three the one that gave them the most trouble and sleepless nights.. the one that drove my mother to hating her daughter.. the one who wants to leave and feels guilty but its not as bad as it all sounds.. maybe I'm just more needy or maybe Im just 24 and need to need something different but I cant for the life of me figure out how not to feel guilty about wanting to see more. My family these roots that dug deep in the earth to keep me from toppling over soooo many times and maybe it has nothing to do with them and Im just being selfish... 24 and Im worried about what my mom will say and how my dad will look at me and sigh the way he does when he's disappointed in me. Ive sunk my roots into their veins just hoping to be embedded in them I think it's time for a transplant to new soil.