your blue eyes

There's something about ending this and I just can't do it so this is how it's gettin told... for now... My heart - exposed



I haven't been able to write since last year and I think it's because my heart just can't handle it. What if I just said all the things unsaid?? What would really happen if instead of bricks I gave you soul? I don't think my heart could bare the weight of really being bare beyond flesh throwing away all it is that barricades me from pulling back these ribcages and exposing this raw beating blossom only a bud because it has been malnourished behind barriers. My heart- exposed. If I could tell you all the things buried beneath embellished beauty it would sound a little something like this:

Sometimes its easier to think yourself unlovable than to put yourself out there to be loved. Exuding confidence and befriending those of interest keeps an armslength between comrade and completion. Completely terrified of giving up control to someone who could misuse it- best of intentions to begin with but who knows the expiration date on interest and investing emotions that deep could crush you when it finally is determined a bad decision because some of the strongest connections have been broken with incoming affections infected by loves arrow too soon so I avoid eye contact so my soul is never in question. Its been broken down by a selection but always kept to perfection in the on-lookers view. Never broken but this heart has been bruised.

It happened one day like shards of glass reflecting heaven in my heavy heart bringing warmth to every part from frozen fingertips to bricks encrusted with ice chips it was as though he single heartedly began to melt me he had the ability to burn away the frostbite beneath the barricade took my heart in his fingertips and began to massage the mound a miracle as it began to pound appreciation of daylight- the depletion of frostbite- the completion of his right in my left- handed to me was this blue eyed, whole hearted, hair a mess, message of what it was to be alive he radiated when he smiled took minutes at a time to look me in the eyes when we spoke speaking around times hands and they always moved too quickly he knew what it meant to laugh and he did it so well pulling his lips from his teeth unwrapping contentment inside me every morning waking to find the day anew with anticipation of his world in my view and our galaxies collided causing intergalactic love affairs handing over hearts as peace offerings waving white flags of surrender and I remember it all like it were yesterday he was my connection between comrade and completion and I was no longer terrified.

he was the first to really get it the first to look at a sunset and see the indigo sea making love to magenta mountains giving birth to the tangerine tide he knew heartache and believed it could be fixed never gave up faith in friendships that had gone a stray took time to hear my tongue shape vowels and consonants creating conversation that centered around something more than material we spoke in loves tongues sometimes just letting breadth from our lungs speak worlds to each other we made memories like parachutes always giving us pull when opened cushioning the fall when wed land I never planned on loosing touch I had it written in brain waves the day of the month to make that call but maybe that wasn’t enough because three years down the line and I’ve come to find no matter the effort I make these days it will never be the same he single heartedly melted me and this summer I buried my heart beside him because it had always been safe there before and I know that he can hear me now and I need to tell him how he made my soul complete pulled my heart from my ribcage held it close to his heat thawing the muscle it began to beat thump thump beat thump thump beat he brought me back to life he was the one to make it right he was the one to make me write took my words and gave me breath pulled my heart from within my chest told me love would never rest and I’ve been restless ever since