missing

I miss my life. I miss being able to speak loudly about what it is that makes my heart murmur in messages that only I can hear, but I will gladly translate. I haven't had a thought provoking conversation in what seems to be a lightyear and this year has been too heavy for that. Weighted by wondering if it's worth it, if this lack of enthusiasm is just how adults get through it. I don't want to just get by. Every fucking breath should be laiden with an excitement that only comes from this perpetual feeling that forever just isn't long enough and that tomorrow isn't promised and that every single person in your life is worthy of the breath you exhale for them constantly.

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I can't believe that I've spent late nights lulling myself to sleep with the sound of silence instead of soothing heartbeats that I was used to. I was once able to let people get close to me and it wasn't just presence it was this precipitation of my heart falling in front of them. Eager to share embraced irises, I used to be able to look people in the eyes. But now I try and focus on any other object to avoid this connection of optic impules because somehow contact between lenses sends me into submission and I am not ready to let my guard down.

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This year I spent fleeing the country to exist in the last sunset before your departure, regreting not calling the day before because lord knows I had dialed your number into my phone, but never pressed send. I could have told you to slow down, to be more careful, to be anywhere but on that road at 7:27pm. I used to let you look into me. I had no hesitation in how long we'd share a glance and the chance that you knew exactly how you changed me, I can't guarantee. But before our hearts were speaking I hadn't a clue how to use mine. I figured it out with your assistance, took it out of the package and put it to good use. This is the life I got use to.

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Since you, I had no trouble giving people every piece of me. I put it in words and spoke to crowds with open ears and eager hearts. I found poetry in people. I found my heart in syllables. I used to get stage fright before a performance and now can't imagine even holding a microphone because I would gladly scream to you the poem that has been pounding in my chest these lyrics of regret, of no longer being able to breathe deeply.

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I can't finish a sentence without second guessing myself and it only took one person to confirm these questions and he does this consistanltly but never a straight answer so I've been living lopsided since we met. I miss knowing what is good for me beyond bad decisions I gladly take responsibility but lately there is no choice that seems appealing.

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I don't know how to get it back to find the place where I am no longer lacking this confidence that had me assured that this life is what I made it and I was making the most of every beat, every breath, and every single sunset. I can't be upset at the people who don't get it. Who can't see the importance of being connected with me whether through iris or heart beat but hopefully they'll understand when our minds are no longer insync and their lives are lacking because I am someone everyone should know. And it doesn't matter if we go slow or full speed just know there is a need to be intwined with the warmth inside of me and this woman who is speaking is the woman I used to know.

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