Bi Polar Love Affair

This should have been a love poem,
but most days I despise you.
Hate the way you say my name
like our skin is carbon paper
imprinting futures promised
as your fingers traced forever on my spine,
but I could never quite read you.
Waited patiently for watercolors
to wash through wasted skies
in hopes we could hear God inhaling
together at window sill
waiting for the new dawn to begin.
I can't stand you.
Hate the way we made love like
somehow the good in me would transfer to you
this osmosis of hope would seep
into your battle wounds
finally making you whole again,
but instead I inherited this quake in my lungs
shaking under blackened skies
where we used to hold stars in our fingertips
when they'd fall.
You hated the way I wanted to be held,
but plead with me to squeeze tighter.
praying mantis love, baby trust me.
I'm not like the other guys, baby love me
I get this fire in my lungs sometims, baby save me.
broken open moon crystals
pressing hope into chests
stardust kisses and barebellied laughs
young love warm hearts curved hips
bent backwards to be beneath you
hollowed myself like honeydew
hot summer tongues
quenched in watermelon kisses
cracked open heart like pomegranate
I hate you...
I hate you..

Baby, never let me go.
Love me like meteorshowers in daylight
love me like frost bite in summer time
love me like lightening bugs at Christmas
You used to watch thunderstorms from your window
I say fuck that
go stand in the middle of one
get your face wet
feel the crash of the thunder in your ribcage
hold yur fingers to the sky
catch lightening on your tongue
get your soul wet
pray for sunsets
do anything
just so you feel it
feel alive for one breath
do anything
make a move
speak nonsense
tiger lily lip crushed silence
feel the static in your chest
are we done yet?
I can't stand you
want to scrape the skin from my bones
to be rid of you
make the stars mine
hold your palms out
plant forever in them
love me galaxies
I fucking hate you
Love me timeless
Love me grandfather clocks
love me tree trunks
just love me
Sunshine makes your skin crawl
keep the day out
shut the shades tight
lay in bed all day
just let me love you
let me save you
I called to check in on you
You said you didn't feel well
you were going to take a nap
something in my stomach sunk
a bowling ball of intuition
I didn't believe you
50 pills later
a stomach full of charcoal
almost successful at something
woke up day after regretting the air in your lungs
the heaviness in your chest
hating me for loving you so selflessly
I hold a hope that is audible,
do you hear it?
a pounding in my chest
love me lifeless
love me hopeful
love me anything
love yourself more
I hate you
just love me lifetimes

Rooted

Rooted
Weeping willow women
our branches are breaking
from the burden of this waiting
we crack knuckles like ice trays
our panic mimics heart failure
and how poetic it is to break this way
we hold hope in caverns where bones sleep
eyes weak heavy from the weight of water
we are standing in an ocean of oysters shucked of our pearls
we are waiting for the sand to creep in again
to create for you diamonds
because sometimes we are unpredictable
gypsies let us be your fortress
futures told in palm readings
we are hand holders
weeping willow women
stretch out your branches
we are tree trunk sturdy
clothed in this bark of betrayal
sometimes sitting silently in autumn mornings
makes us regret our roots
we are birthed in apologies
like this barbed wire in our throats
we have wilted
we are waiting
for anything
to hold us open like water lilies
unfolding lightening
the way hands do
open to you
waiting
we are waiting for the static in our chests
to turn to butterflies again
waiting for the lightening bugs in bellies
to set souls on fire
waiting for our insides to not feel
like abandoned building
shearing the echoes of heartbeats in drum through our ribcages
we are not broken open
we are holding ourselves together
the way bark does
wrap your branches around you tightly wait for the storm to pass
my weeping willow women lift your heads up
caught in this torrential downpour daily
let the thunder be your voice
speak clearly with all your anger and abandon
drumming birthed beats breaking mountains
we are breaking moon chunks
to build rivers in veins again
shove your roots back into the earth
steady yourself and wait
We are the moon,
the tide, the sun that rises
we are givers, lovers, thinkers, mothers
we scrape the marrow from our bones
to give strength to others
and ask nothing in return
we return to the pasts that did not break us yet
we break, we heal
we hold oceans in our skin
grow forests from our limbs
we are dream catchers, wind dancers, creators
weeping women ripping branches
from our bodies planting willow in the earth
whole trees can grow from us
every time we break we give birth to ourselves
again and again and again
never the same always stronger the scars on our trunks
map out our pasts like tree rings
how long has it been
since the last time you broke?

empty nights

how heavy an emptiness can weigh at times
night time mostly when shooting stars are screaming
through lost caverns in my chest
wanting arms to wrap round me
but vacancies exist more frequently
bathing me in a doubt
rooted in blackholes
where the skies are starless
and the aching still burns

Knuckles

crushed leaves like bones slip through fingers
frigid and aching with arthritis
knotted knowing weather
rainstorms regret
empty knuckles
like knots in treebark
where limbs once hung

Plan B

I want to be a mother
but not having a plan A resulted in plan B
and I am not ready but someday
I want my organs to shift
making room in my womb for miracles

the mourning of possibility
I awoke
tired, exhausted even
crusted eyes, achy knees
broken bones to ashes
this morning
I ended possibilty because I knew
I wasn't ready to be a mother
but an amazing one someday
hopefully, if God doesn't hold grudges.

horoscope

My horoscope said that today would be a good day to write
it also said that I'd be coming into great financial fortune
so I'm pretty sure I should just quit my job and become a writer
full-time
and wait for these riches to bathe me with hope

Revolution of Her

She rode this revolution like a whore
spreading her thighs wide to swallow the world whole
fist raised like she was protesting monogamy
while staring mary in the eyes
this was her revolution
a spiral of lust, sweat, beating hearts, pounding clit
she couldn't get close enough to coming
she went before he could hold her
as he told her "baby, you are amazing"
and she took that to mean her sex was worth having
but he was speaking straight from the heart
his manhood took her laid her out and shook her
but his heart wanted more
good conversation
he was content with masterbation
if only she didnt close the door behind her
he would have told her
"baby you are amazing and I mean it all encompassing,
your heart beats in berry sunshine rhythms of my mother,
warm, nurturing and I want to
smother you with tomorrow until the sun ceases to exist."
but she swallowed lies like semen
closing her eyes tight and believed in
the fate that she only existed in her dreams
she no longer dreamed in color it was always gray
and to this day she has trouble remembering
what a sunrise looks like because she has been face down for so long
gripping sheets in tattered fingers,
splitting her insides until she was hollow
like the moon before it disappears when the sun comes
and she thought it was part of the women's movement
to remove her heart from her chest
and simply rely on her breasts to take her places
she spread herself too thin
until every greeting would begin with an offer
she wore her miniskirts proudly
thong brandished like a metal of honor
because really that's the life she was offered
when she blossomed too soon
told stories of this revolution of her womb
so she began fighting for equality the only way she knew
riding men like tanks into warfare
gripping cocks like steel
unloading cum into her womb
as if she were trying to kill
her future freedom fighters with each shot
she wanted to fuck her way free
from the ties that bind her to the kitchen
the lies that she was fed and believed in
until she found the strength between her thighs
and realized too late that with each mate that mounted her
she would reach a fate mounting equivalents
of walking off a moutain to see if she could fly
her wings had been clipped
like broken pinky promises between soulmates
she never believed in a life mated
only checkmates and her stategy has always been flawed
A revolutionary she marked herself
A whore is how she was seen
waging war on a homeland
that would never quite be secure







***Trying for years to finish this... so the ending is a bit abrupt**

new hope

Born from the ashes of our mother
we rise from the womb with wings ready for war
battling birth head on
please let us stay in the quiet
of our mother for moments more
unscathed by the cries billowing through breezes
echoing through barriers
carried from generations before us
just wait
allow us to soak in heartbeats murmuring messages of hope

my heart has filled with hope

a hope that is audible

pounding this promise of change

reliving centuries creased in pages

put on shelves to be forgotten

today we remember

a history that has molded our nation

strong and bold like billowing flags and today

I am proud to own these stars and stripes

Music in my Blood

For a minute I forgot where I came from
not the streets, or the hood, or a broken home
I came from love
from a love of two people expressing it endlessly
from a love of music that wafted through our home l
ike the smell of warm summer mornings
of my childhood hot pavement, cut grass, and lilac
It has always been more than home to me
it has been my haven and now no longer wrapped in that security
I long for the feeling of home again
In your arms you cradled me like my ears to the beat
encompassing the rhythms that made me tap my feet
to the echoes of yesterday through a speaker
We were raised on the words of James Taylor
and the melodies of Carol King,
The Wall of Pink Floyd
you gave us a ladder to climb over it
and see the horizon on the dark side of the moon.
Our home was never silent with mommy singing in the kitchen
off key but proudly kissing notes into the springs quiet breeze
she would sing stories written by others
my mother teaching us through song
that the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time
and it passed so quickly
fast forwarded through the heart ache
humming this stairway to heaven
where we were allowed to catch a glimpse
while riding the storm through the night
loud crashes and bright lights
it was our religion, no sunday mornings in church pues
we simply exchanged our faith in eachother
and my father with this same love of heartbeats
healing small hands with open hugs
he loved just as melodically
giving us hope in ourselves listening to Creedance
with a candle in the window because movement isn't negotiable
and change is gonna come whether we are ready or not
so we only get one more night
and somehow my parents figured out how to love just right
fully, unconditionally, without reservation
one nation under a grove and trust me our bodies move with rhythm
like heartbeats on warm summer mornings
beckoning for the birth of this melody
we made memories to soundtracks
playing out this past because baby what you want
is more than just respect and you will survive either way
and how sweet it is to be loved with every single breath you take
we learned to listen carefully to the secret message
played backwards in time on vinyl telling us to
stop, in the name of love
even if you still haven't found what you're looking for
you've gotta keep on movin on
cuz sittin in the morning sun watchin those ships roll in
isn't gonna take you higher
so even if you were born to walk alone
find the love of yourself
pledge it to everyone you meet on the street
because good days are around the bend
and we always see the sunshine through the rain