Rambling

I don't write love poems because I've never really been IN... we'll maybe that's not true


My heart used to beat slower around you
it wasn't the typical heart racing, can't catch my breath kinda love
it was as though, with you near, my heart would pump more productively
like somehow just the presence of your palpatations made present problems precipitate into
puddles dried by your breadth and the pounding of hearts in syncronized successions made my blood type raise from A negtive to being positively in love with the way we'd breath
together in unison the sound of silence soothed already aching souls like words couldn't come close to mimicking this absense we needn't anything to fill the space between what our minds made motion to and what or bodies left motionless and I didnt need to express it in words because your emotions were written in braile on your skin painting out a portrait of paradise

Shells of War

For two people I love very much :

A 4 year old fell asleep on my lap last night
this 4 year old who 4 years ago wasn't even promised a life
but it was negotiated for him
now has a father whose life wasn't guaranteed either
sent away to war never returning home again to see him
see his body was returned but it pumps isicles through bloodstreams now
cold is his vision now
hard is his soul now
and he keeps the flag that he fought for in a chest
his chest heaves in distorted fantasies and breadth now
he offers no solace to anyone now
this empty cavity had a wife
a mother to this 4 year old who was told that everything would work out alright
and on the day he came home from Iraq she welcomed her husband back
to their new home and offered him riches that no work could sew
but a family and life with warmth and love
See they've sent away our fathers our sons and lovers
and return them when they are used up and broken
seen one too many explosions
killed one too many innocent men
cradled one too many lifeless friends
and all we are left with are shells of heros
who chose to get a free college education to avoid future struggles
who were promised job security and benefits for their families
but our government neglected to mention that war was on the horizon
that death is a fatal nemesis who doesn't profile its' victims
they've strapped weapons to their backs and told them to bring back the opposition
dead not alive shoot twice and don't look back
these are not people here
but our soldiers saw hope in Iraqi eyes
men and women with families and lives just as precious as yours and mine
but they still pulled triggers
still followed orders
writing letters home because they can't understand what they've been fighting for
now or troops hang head low in shame
they've shot bullets like it were a video game
desensitized to avoid the pain
but now home agian
flashes of fire and truth constrict and restrict them
they've killed our heros and brought back blank men
who abandon wives and children
who no longer know how to live in civilization
two weeks to debrief is what the military calls for
two weeks cannot cure them of blood splattered memories
or convince them that killing in the name of any country is all right
and now this little boy wakes up crying at night because he doesn't know that his daddy
came back
back last Christmas he was told stories of a hero
a man who was doing more for a world than we could do
A MAN who was honorable
but now, now he cries when he sees him, doesn't recognize when he sees him
this man once whole holding the whole world in his palm depleted hope in rounds of rapid fire as we all slept sound not knowing what was to come

more of this later

I've been going tanning lately to be closer to your sunrise..
I miss the way my skin felt alive when you'd radiate beside me
and now I turn to UV rays from lightbulbs to be connected with your warmth
when did it get so cold to make me turn to electricity to soothe me?

"If your smile were the sunshine I'd want to be sunkissed all year round"

I can't think of a better way I could have spent my recovery... it's funny when people ask me what I've been up to cuz I never know what to tell them. I just spent the last twelve weeks healing and the two before there petrified that my life would never be the same.. now, well now is another story because my life was not put on hold during this whole thing.. surprisingly beyond surgery, stitches, physical therapy, the pain, the relief-- I've been living this shit to the fullest and I couldn't have asked for more. I go back to work on wednesday and it scares the hell out of me because again my days are going to be filled with routine- I can't stand repetition.. this over emphasized existence of left right left right left right back and forth working my heart away day to day just wishin for a moment for more self for myself for more of myself but I guess we can't have it all so I'm gonna wrap up the moments of beautiful elation that have been given to me these months and I'm takin em all with me back to the real world so every now and then I can sit and just think of all these beyond phenomenal moments.. heres a few to trigger the memory

hospital gowns and none of the original pain
bein able to sleep through the night again
pop rocks by the river
poetry with people who consistently make my heart beat
my other half comin back to this half of the US-- KOOLAID
breathing
seein the sunset on his stone
dancin in basements with white sheets and phenomenal women and men
Black Oak
my niece and nephew
moments makin memories almost as good as minutes witnessing miracles
my family who put up with all the bullshit
the woman who tells me to make sure I'm takin care of mE
realizin where my heart is and where it can go
revisiting a lost soul
smiling to the point my teeth thought my lips took off
being able to enjoy my friends and family and to be a part of their lives and them really being there in mine.. it's hard when your job becomes your everyday... just gotta remember to take a breather and sometimes there is a time to be selfish.. just gotta do ME by lovin all of you. thank you

lil sumpin

I want to paint tomorrow with your eyelashes on my skin scattering pictures of forever with your lips above navels lost in an abyss making waterfalls drip from your temples
We could teach God a lesson in love making he has made us both with love and now we've recreated the first coming

OH MY EFFING GOD!!!!!! so this isn't going to be poetic, it's probably not even going to make sense but damnit I'm just gotta get a little rant goin for a minute and it's gonna start like this

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!! Mary and Joe I swear to god shit has me tight lately andI dont know if it's just because I have hormones or because I don't think other people should or maybe it's just because I'm unsettled in my life right now but that's not even it because hello these past couple months not having to go to work have been fantastic and I've healed pretty darn well... so back to the subject
Just because a dude looks at you, speaks to you, breathes in your direction, or even humps your leg a little bit does not mean he is ready to settle down his hornball ways and fall head over heals for you and if you think that I think that he is ready to do that for me than you are obviously still fuckin drunk.. I mean seriously it annoys the hell out of me as soon as you mention that you've some how managed to share space with someone who has a penis it's automatically meant to be.. jesus christ people do I like fuckin desperate? NEGATIVE! ok so maybe that's all that should be said about that but there's more

I've never been a blogger because somehow I thought that it was a bit lame to share my feelings and emotions about ya know this and that with a bunch of cyber friends who are all connected by their love of being connected but maybe this will shut some people up... I AM NOT AN ARGUER.. I just can't do it. .I will have a point and I know that I could make it but why waste my breadth when I know that your mind is already made about me or the situation at hand. I just can't do it. If I know I am wrong and see what the problem was.. sure I will apologize but I'll be damned if Im gonna sit there like a fuckin school girl and try and argue it out for a fuckin hour.. now I can IM argue for about 3 days straight because well it gives me time to be quick witted and whatnot but verbal arguements are not my forte my friends.. so if you ever want to feel like you are right and there is no other way about the world.. have a verbal arguement with me becuase I WILL LET YOU WIN and I will love every minute of it because it my own little mind I know that you needed to hear yourself speak... and now that that's taken care of have a fantastic evening I wish you ALL the magic this little blue and green planet has to offer except well the blue is a little brown and the green is a bit crispy but whatever.. enjoy it all.. a freakin men

your blue eyes

There's something about ending this and I just can't do it so this is how it's gettin told... for now... My heart - exposed



I haven't been able to write since last year and I think it's because my heart just can't handle it. What if I just said all the things unsaid?? What would really happen if instead of bricks I gave you soul? I don't think my heart could bare the weight of really being bare beyond flesh throwing away all it is that barricades me from pulling back these ribcages and exposing this raw beating blossom only a bud because it has been malnourished behind barriers. My heart- exposed. If I could tell you all the things buried beneath embellished beauty it would sound a little something like this:

Sometimes its easier to think yourself unlovable than to put yourself out there to be loved. Exuding confidence and befriending those of interest keeps an armslength between comrade and completion. Completely terrified of giving up control to someone who could misuse it- best of intentions to begin with but who knows the expiration date on interest and investing emotions that deep could crush you when it finally is determined a bad decision because some of the strongest connections have been broken with incoming affections infected by loves arrow too soon so I avoid eye contact so my soul is never in question. Its been broken down by a selection but always kept to perfection in the on-lookers view. Never broken but this heart has been bruised.

It happened one day like shards of glass reflecting heaven in my heavy heart bringing warmth to every part from frozen fingertips to bricks encrusted with ice chips it was as though he single heartedly began to melt me he had the ability to burn away the frostbite beneath the barricade took my heart in his fingertips and began to massage the mound a miracle as it began to pound appreciation of daylight- the depletion of frostbite- the completion of his right in my left- handed to me was this blue eyed, whole hearted, hair a mess, message of what it was to be alive he radiated when he smiled took minutes at a time to look me in the eyes when we spoke speaking around times hands and they always moved too quickly he knew what it meant to laugh and he did it so well pulling his lips from his teeth unwrapping contentment inside me every morning waking to find the day anew with anticipation of his world in my view and our galaxies collided causing intergalactic love affairs handing over hearts as peace offerings waving white flags of surrender and I remember it all like it were yesterday he was my connection between comrade and completion and I was no longer terrified.

he was the first to really get it the first to look at a sunset and see the indigo sea making love to magenta mountains giving birth to the tangerine tide he knew heartache and believed it could be fixed never gave up faith in friendships that had gone a stray took time to hear my tongue shape vowels and consonants creating conversation that centered around something more than material we spoke in loves tongues sometimes just letting breadth from our lungs speak worlds to each other we made memories like parachutes always giving us pull when opened cushioning the fall when wed land I never planned on loosing touch I had it written in brain waves the day of the month to make that call but maybe that wasn’t enough because three years down the line and I’ve come to find no matter the effort I make these days it will never be the same he single heartedly melted me and this summer I buried my heart beside him because it had always been safe there before and I know that he can hear me now and I need to tell him how he made my soul complete pulled my heart from my ribcage held it close to his heat thawing the muscle it began to beat thump thump beat thump thump beat he brought me back to life he was the one to make it right he was the one to make me write took my words and gave me breath pulled my heart from within my chest told me love would never rest and I’ve been restless ever since

Today, I gave two dollars to a man who was standing by the highway with a sign asking for handouts. I had three in my wallet, but only gave him two... and I wonder why? I mean there was a thought process behind it thinkin well what if I just need that dollar for something, but HELLO I have a home and a car to get there with but either way I kept that dollar... so I told him to take care of himself then I drove away. My mind kept doing laps around what had just happened though and I was thinking of all the possible scenarios as to why he is standing there looking for the kindness of others to help him survive and wondering how this happened to him.. how I could be any different?.. and then the whatifs.. what if I just gave two dollars to a man who was a rapist or murderer or just not a good human being but he is in fact a human being and it's not my judgement he needs to endure... It was seriously an emotional struggling continuing to my home.. he had blue eyes glazed with frost and a lost hope. they looked like honest eyes and I guess it's always a leap of faith when you offer to help another person because the truth is he's a person and his past is his own.. we all screw up, some more than others but I'd like to think that I gave two dollars to a man who needed a little sunshine and maybe a cup of coffee or even a beer because if he's sippin on spirits at least it's bringing him closer to God somehow and maybe it'll keep him a bit warmer through the chill