missing

I miss my life. I miss being able to speak loudly about what it is that makes my heart murmur in messages that only I can hear, but I will gladly translate. I haven't had a thought provoking conversation in what seems to be a lightyear and this year has been too heavy for that. Weighted by wondering if it's worth it, if this lack of enthusiasm is just how adults get through it. I don't want to just get by. Every fucking breath should be laiden with an excitement that only comes from this perpetual feeling that forever just isn't long enough and that tomorrow isn't promised and that every single person in your life is worthy of the breath you exhale for them constantly.

*

I can't believe that I've spent late nights lulling myself to sleep with the sound of silence instead of soothing heartbeats that I was used to. I was once able to let people get close to me and it wasn't just presence it was this precipitation of my heart falling in front of them. Eager to share embraced irises, I used to be able to look people in the eyes. But now I try and focus on any other object to avoid this connection of optic impules because somehow contact between lenses sends me into submission and I am not ready to let my guard down.

*

This year I spent fleeing the country to exist in the last sunset before your departure, regreting not calling the day before because lord knows I had dialed your number into my phone, but never pressed send. I could have told you to slow down, to be more careful, to be anywhere but on that road at 7:27pm. I used to let you look into me. I had no hesitation in how long we'd share a glance and the chance that you knew exactly how you changed me, I can't guarantee. But before our hearts were speaking I hadn't a clue how to use mine. I figured it out with your assistance, took it out of the package and put it to good use. This is the life I got use to.

*

Since you, I had no trouble giving people every piece of me. I put it in words and spoke to crowds with open ears and eager hearts. I found poetry in people. I found my heart in syllables. I used to get stage fright before a performance and now can't imagine even holding a microphone because I would gladly scream to you the poem that has been pounding in my chest these lyrics of regret, of no longer being able to breathe deeply.

*

I can't finish a sentence without second guessing myself and it only took one person to confirm these questions and he does this consistanltly but never a straight answer so I've been living lopsided since we met. I miss knowing what is good for me beyond bad decisions I gladly take responsibility but lately there is no choice that seems appealing.

*

I don't know how to get it back to find the place where I am no longer lacking this confidence that had me assured that this life is what I made it and I was making the most of every beat, every breath, and every single sunset. I can't be upset at the people who don't get it. Who can't see the importance of being connected with me whether through iris or heart beat but hopefully they'll understand when our minds are no longer insync and their lives are lacking because I am someone everyone should know. And it doesn't matter if we go slow or full speed just know there is a need to be intwined with the warmth inside of me and this woman who is speaking is the woman I used to know.

*

sweetdreams

I have been buried beneath the bedsheets of summer
enjoying the slumber of warm starlight nights
wrapped in the moons exhalations
I could have gotten lost in blankets of fall with you
but our ending came at the cusp of changing seasons
colder now frost instead of dew stopping once green fields from growing
and soon it will be snowing and winter somehow always brings less daylight
but our romance existed within moonlight so maybe the stars will see us again

Nervous the way first kisses ought to be
like falling. this feeling of forgetting why we should hold back
never letting another close enough to feel your heart's beat
murmuring messages of wanting anothers message to include you
Hesistant because it hurt the last time
Resistant because the simplicity
at which I approached you was overwhelming
I asked for nothing but moments
and somehow to you thought that meant
I wanted more than you were offering
but your lips pressed against mine
spoke to me in syllables making me falter
I was headed headstrong in my hearts navigation
and then suddenly caught up
in the way you'd whisper sweetdreams
before we'd put the converstaion on hold until morning
We speak in punctuation now only questions
exclaiming that we needed a pause,
but I was hoping for a run-on sentence
holding us accountable for every parathesis and undertone

This paragraph pertains to you
and I had hoped it would contain you
like a thought between commas
but my thoughts have been comatose
almost long enough that the inks fading
so in the future how will I know this story was written?
This tale of a dummy and I the vantriliquist
throwing my voice from my heart
hoping that it would get caught in your chest
so you could regurgetate my novel of knowing
that the moon no longer whispers sweetdreams
and morning is the beginning of this silent sentence.

AIM poetry

OK so over AIM Michelle and I wrote this little piece of heaven..

Me: I would be willing to endure 1 million heartaches if in exchange i got 1 million glances that made me feel like I was the world to one person for a moment

Michelle: and in this moment they'd realize that their existence resides in my eyes past nuclear vessels souls use to erradicate the feelings we once shared in our prior matrimonial state

Me: this state of mind where my eyes once glued to your pupils opened portals to souls where interlocking fingers white knuckled with hopes of never letting go but your grip loosened

Michelle: and i slipped through all levels of hell into the fires of resistance so my love for you would cease with every skip of my heart i lose ounces of u in my system

Me: it wouldn't have been so hard if you hadn't promised your springs were pure I wouldn't have let you consume me so but now this poison drips from once kissed lips this is the art of letting go

Michelle: this is the start of letting go knowing that everything returns back to the beginning you still could have been one of those millions but eyes are deeper than souls and even contacts cannot block the intesity of your gaze you must

Me: start seeing that this cycle of disbelieving is holding you in a cell I couldn't tell you in words how I could fix you but I let my hearts beat murmur you a message of healing and the beginning is letting you know

Michelle: letting you know that i'm here standing with my back pressed to the strings of purity we've been harmonizing in dreams and swirling past gardens of uncertainity picking only the freshest mix of forever and now and package them in parcels of yesterday so we can remember the times we shared under the breath of mother nature

Me: shes been whispering sweet liliac lullabies taking baby breaths to not wake the longing in her head she's been wiping tears of tomorrow hoping that somehow we'll all see tomorrow this sorrow she's been hiding trying to not show us she's dying and all we are left with are flowers hand picked to present to this present day love perhaps gone by the morning

I'm All In

24 years spent
like pocket change
selflessly given to everyone looking for a hand out
but I was ready to invest in you
currently my currency has flatlined
I have nothing left to give
bankrupt before my stock market could crash
I need to get out before I fall.

He asked if I had any spare change
this metamorphesis I've been dealing has left me
in a chrysalis equating cents (sense) for silence
there is no jingle left in my pocket
no two sense left to give.

It would be senseless to tell you how rich you could have been
if you would have allowed me to give you change
but you calculated too much and fucked up the math
so instead you're paying interest like a credit card purchase
the investment already tapped out
but you'll be paying long after the delivery was offered.

I didn't ask you to invest more than time with me
and I know that is a lot to ask when time is so precious
but like precious gems I thought I was worthy of these riches
I never asked you're exchange rate
just simply if there was interest
and you assured it was worth it
so I was all in at the table
tryin to keep my pokerface hidden
I wouldn't want you think this was a game

I had nothing but hearts in my hand
I tried to flush it out of my system
to fold before the stakes were too high
but before I could breath the bets were placed
and at the last second YOU folded

threw your cards on the table and walked away
leaving your pair of hearts defeated
before you had the chance to read me
you could have won my hand
but instead considered it wasn't worth raising the stakes for
now your mistake left me breathless and you broke.

A Potential Unmet

We parted like lips of lovers too soon pulled away
leaving only longing and space between us
Goodbyes never filled our airwares
only the brighter side of departures shone through
we would meet up somewhere new and call it home
but the last time I heard from you
you were working for your uncle in the same small town you grew up in
when we spoke before this you had dreams
bigger than an astronaut wanting to kiss the moon
you wanted to swallow it whole like fruit to absorb every wonder it offered you
dreams fuller than galazxies sprinkled in heavens dew
stars filled your eyes when you spoke of all you could do
but that's all over now
I never kept record of the breath we shared
I kept it in beating pulses that brought beauty to slient moments
never awkward but awkwardly full
seeing that it had only been a short stay in atmospheres
where our arms connected
counting days on a calendar can not define the depth
of what your unfolded open heart's inner workings offered.
we would stand in silence just waiting
for the right moment to pass us
where our thoughts collided
like cars on curvy country roads bringing moments of tomorrow to a hault.
Head on we traveled
headstrong and heavy hearted
you broke from me like the clasp on a friendship necklce
and we hadn't spoke in years
yearly phonecalls around brithday never returned
yet every day my soul could feel whole for a minute
just thinking of converstaion and car rides
that left an unmistakable completeness the way you would feel after eating the moon
you wanted to have children and a home made of glass
so the beauty of the heavens could seep through your windows
caressing every inch of you
from ceiling to floor you had envisioned so much more
and convinced me I was worth this too
and it wasn't in what you said but how you would speak
and how your eyes would actually look into me
when they would meet for a moment
and if I would have known this was the last time I would see you
I would have hugged you tighter
so that your heart's beat would be ingrained in my chest
I would have held on longer
so that the love that will not die with you would have been stressed
and if I would have known that this goodbye would be our last
I would have written it in my blood to give you life after death.

Thoughts

I was lookin through my book of thinking tonight... here's a few thoughts for ya.


I held the moon between my thumb and forefinger
so you could give it a kiss-
you always were the one to tell me to believe in my dreams
and the sandman smiled and told you to keep up the good work.




I caught the stars from your eyes
and replaced them to the heavens-
you weren't worthy of god's work



I woke up with sand on my pillow
time had been scattered about white cotton sheets
given to me if i was willing
to dust it off and collect it in a jar
behind glass the seconds would stream
into the desert below
just hoping to be counted




The sunset yesterday for the first time this year
sending silhouettes to the back of darkened eyelids
night had never seemed so black
water colors no longer splacshed the sky
smearing daylight to dusk with solemn sentiments
a new dawn was upon us
a day of silent awakenings on soft sheets
toes stretched with arms raised tangled in cotton
a new day
eyes widened in possibility
it's impossible to feel the sun on skin
because it has moved within you taking space
in your womb giving birth to mother nature
recreating her solstace
the warm air of summer in your lungs
breathing essence of lilac and dew
winter ojnly rests in memories
a magnitude of motionless snowfall
still tows linger in sheets
cold mornings with breath bursting
from icey lungs longing to smell of sunrise